how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
