if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
