great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
