I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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