you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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