By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
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he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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