you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
