how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
