Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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