I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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