Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Liz is crying about burritos again.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
