He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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