I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize