last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
