this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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