How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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