she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
