I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
