There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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