I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
