something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
