WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
