Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
