Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
