i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
