This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
