dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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