the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
