I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
