We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I can't turn off my feet"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
