She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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