Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Pooping to opera.
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