I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
