last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
