absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
