I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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