I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
