Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
