so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
