if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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