just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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