you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
