3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Randomize
