I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
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She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
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And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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