and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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