I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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