Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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