There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
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She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
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That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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