She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
