oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
