Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
