dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
