what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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