Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
